Wednesday, October 13, 2004


The last week has been utter turmoil for me. As the election day draws close, bringing with it the threat of the responsibility that every American must bear or be subject to chronic haranguing ("You HAVE to care! It's your RIGHT!"), I have been exhausting the search capabilities of the Internet, trying to find just that one political quiz that will clarify the whole mess and reach through the ethers to miraculously inscribe upon my (hypothetical) bumper the name of the only candidate whom I may sanely support in the presidential race.

After an entire week of this relentless pursuit of elucidation, I was about to give up, beaten down by the seeming utter lack of suitable candidates for the presidency. I had been through all the parties; Republicans, Democrats, Turtles, Emperors all hopefully presented to me their unique ideologies, and all were turned away--found unsuitable for this reason or that. I argued for hour upon hour with the acolytes of each school and remained stolidly skeptical as to their understanding of the systems they endorsed.

It wasn't until the last, hollow claims of the "Barking Spider Resurgence Party" echoed away to silence in my mind that I heard the sweet voice that was to utterly convince me. "What in this country does everyone agree on?" It asked. "What does everybody love?"

Of course! How can anyone not like sports? What could be more un-American than rooting against Team Spirit? Who in their mind cannot but "pull for the Home Team"?

That is why I ask you now to join with me in voting for Sports in the upcoming election. With Sports at our nation's head, we cannot fail in any endeavor. Sports must win in all situations.

Go Sports!

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

No Truer Words

I came across a pearl of a poem in the ethers of the Internet today, and I had to share it with you all.

Watch these delicate sausages
Recall the moment their sweet juice rained hot on your tongue
I ache bitterly for this gift of meat